New Start of Life

Hey Guys,

Guess who left sixth form???? That’s right, me. If you read my second to last post, you would know that I got myself in a to a very big metaphorical hole. This resulted in me having to go to the doctor to get some help dealing with everything going on in my head.

To be perfectly honest, my last sixth form college was s*** and it is safe to say I do not have any regrets with leaving. Don’t get me wrong, I made some of the most amazing friends and I really hope I stay as good friends with them. However, the subjects, the teachers, the environment I just found toxic!

Back in October I wanted to leave. I came home from Spain and cried with both of my parents either side of me (weird because they are divorced and I’d never experienced that before). But I begged them to let me transfer back to my secondary school. Both of them convinced me to stick it out a little bit longer.

We got to March – a whole 5 months later and I felt no better…actually no I felt worse! My anxiety attacks got worse and more frequent and it was a nightmare having to go every morning. I hated it! Every minute of it. This time my parents listened to me. And my brother was on my side which was a major help. I applied to a new sixth form and within two weeks of telling my parents I needed to leave, I was offered a place at the new sixth form. Two weeks later (Friday) I left the sixth form I was at.

One of my teachers was a bit of a bitch about it telling me I was silly and she called me a skank when I said goodbye?! I mean she was joking, but I still didn’t think it was okay to say that to a student that her especially had pushed away? Two of my teachers were desperate for me to stay and of course my friends didn’t want me to go either,  but I had to. I couldn’t carry on there. I think the fact it had made me poorly was the turning point with my parents. Who knows what I would have done if I’d had to stay?

So yes, I have the next 5 months off. That’s right. My summer started yesterday and I have absolutely nothing to do! I start at my new sixth form in September and will be studying RS, Classical Civilisation and either History or Photography (I haven’t quite decided – my family want history as it’ll ‘give me more options in the future’ but photography is the only time I am really happy) so any advice on that would be greatly received?

Me and my mum are also moving house in May so this truly is a new start. Another go at life and I am actually quite excited, even if a little bit daunted, but I know it’ll be for the best.

Keep Smiling Guys,

Crystal Clexr xxx

My Weekend Off

Hey Guys,

If you’d read Friday’s post you will know I have not been allowed to do any work this weekend, to improve my mental health.

Instead of working I have spent my weekend having my legs waxed, my eyebrows waxed, my eyelashes tinted and clearing out…A lot of clearing out.

I’ll start with the leg waxing – my gosh it was painful. It actually burnt! Although, I’d definitely recommend it as now my legs are super, super smooth and I don’t have to shave any time soon! I spent the whole time laughing my way through the pain instead of crying, which I guess is a bonus as that is all I have done this week. The laughing was a good release for me, but I was so tired afterwards and I dipped considerably.

Today I haven’t felt too brilliant and wanted to go and walk and take photographs (which is my escape from the world – I’ll do a post on that soon), but it has rained and even snowed all day, resulting in me staying in. However, that has enabled me and my mum to clear out some bits as we are moving house in June. That is something I have got to look forward to.

My friends from college have been talking about all the homework set from Friday, but as I’m not allowed to do any, that has caused me some stress, but I do have a meeting with my English teacher tomorrow so I can tell her how I feel. Right now I feel no better than I did a week ago. Even after a rest and a good sleep, but hey ho I guess – life goes on.

Seeing as the weather has put me off a walk today, I think I’ll go in the morning so keep an eye out for Wednesday’s post, where I’ll talk you through my love for photography and show you some of the photographs I’ve taken.

Anyway, sorry for rambling, I just wanted to share what has happened during my weekend free of work.

Keep Smiling Guys,

Crystal Clexr xxx

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Metaphorical Hole

Hey Guys,

So I know it has been a while, but I am in a bit of a hole. A metaphorical hole that I seem to unable to get out of. I’ve been seriously overwhelmed with my college work and have reached the stage where I’ve hit rock bottom and am unsure how to climb back up again.

I thought maybe writing it down would help and if any of you guys know of anything I could do, or just lend an ear, I would appreciate it greatly.

In my head I am so lost, and when my family ask in order to be able to help me, I put up barriers, I simply refuse to talk about it as I know it will make me feel even worse. I have constant words whirling round my head, mainly to do with my college work and the pressure I put on myself to succeed: ‘you’ve done that piece of homework, now revise’ ‘If you don’t succeed, they’ll be disappointed’. I just want it to stop. Rationally, nobody will be disappointed. I will have done my best.

This week I have suffered from 3 panic attacks. Each have left me feeling even more exhausted than I was after the one before. I just don’t know  what to do anymore, apart from cry. That is all I seem to have achieved this week – crying rather a lot. My head is constantly spinning and if people try and talk to me I don’t really hear what it is they have to say. My friends tell me I have looked so ‘lost’ this week and quite honestly, I am.

I’ve come home today and have been told I must do no work this weekend, which is already causing me stress as I have mocks in 2 weeks time, but I must recover. I am trying to find ways to keep me preoccupied, therefore stopping me from wallowing in self pity.

If any of you have any ideas of what I could do to keep my sanity, I’d really appreciate it.

I’m sorry again that I haven’t been posting.

Keep Smiling Guys,

Crystal Clexr xxx